Getting over you is a process.
It's been nine months since you ended it
four since you started dating him
and still the tears fall
because every time I think I'm done
that I've run out of grief
that I can move past the lie you told me
you bring up something that you two talked about
babies
weddings
love
domesticity
and I hurt all over again
It's not that I want you back
-I could never trust you like that again-
it's that I never realised the things that I wanted so badly
between you and me
and every time you bring him up
there's something new for me to grieve
And maybe I should stop talking to you
because you tore me apart and still
it's
I am not a soldier.
At least, not in the traditional sense.
I will never fight for my country
or for the soldier next to me,
but I am fighting a war with myself
a war of survival
for my own sake
and for the sakes of everyone I love.
My weapons are not guns
or rocket launchers
or hand grenades,
but anti-depressants
a pen
and a paintbrush.
I will never know the terror
of being shelled
or shot at,
but I know the terror of wondering
whether this depressive episode
this panic attack
this flashback
will be the last,
of wondering whether I can hold on
for just one more day
one more hour
one more minute
one more second.
I am not physically fit
f
I am a universe unto myself
my nails shimmering
like so many twinkling stars
running through the silky sky
of my coloured hair
and over the twin cold stars
as I attempt to rein myself in
for the multitudes think
that nebulous is strange
and would attempt to quench
my unceasing fire
if they ever found out
that inside me are contained
whole galaxies
that have never been explored
and might never be
for the exploration of one
leads to the discovery of another
onward and outward into infinity
each full of explosions of every hue
known and unknown to man
for I am a universe unto myself
Your eyes are blue
like the promise of rain
on a warm spring day
shimmering like a bottomless pool
sparkling and playful and full of life
If I could I would dive in
and swim down
down into the clear depths
I'd never reach the bottom
but that's okay
because all I want is
to be enveloped in the warmth
shining through those crystalline eyes
whenever you look at me
Your voice
like an off-key clarinet
singing Hamilton and Spring Awakening
I learned to enjoy musicals through you
and I've come to enjoy
the music we make together
discordant though it may be
You're far from perfect
but so am I
and that's okay
Different Shades of Red by CaelansFolly1992, literature
Literature
Different Shades of Red
Roses
fresh from the bush
placed in a vase
and given as a symbol of love
Lava
burying and burning as it goes
sparing nothing
everything must go
Maple leaves
falling on a clear autumn evening
their edges glinting in the waning sunlight
covering the grass with their radiance
Blood
flowing freely from gaping wounds
made by the knife
of the suicide victim
My winter robe
as I wrap myself in the comforting warmth
the playful puppies frolick
over the terrycloth
The haze
that impedes my sight
when I hear an unkind word
said to someone undeserving
There is
love
safety
protection
But there is also
hate
pain
rage
Some people say to me
"If you kill yourself you throw away
the life you've been given"
but I disagree
My desire for an early death
has made me more appreciative
of what life offers
I'm living when the end is nigh
Only when I want to die
do I truly feel alive